missing

let me see if i can explain this and have it make sense.
the last year ive really grown up and im really happy with where i am in my life, spiritually and emotionally speaking.
but today was i think the first time when i really deeply missed the past.
the people i used to hang out with that arent around anymore, the house i used to live in (cuz we moved in february), my neighborhood, my grampa especially and i guess, just my life.
i guess its because i drove by my old house today and when i was downtown i drove by a place that i used to go with my friends alot.
i went through alot in the last year and a half and its helped me realize the areas of my life that needed some changing and thats what i did. i changed them. im not perfect but do you know anyone who is?
ive been trying to deny the fact that im basically a grown up but this summer has i guess forced me to come to the realization of it. I guess you have to realize that you are changing when everything else around is changing. im 20 now,my brother and sister in law are parents npw. I am in my sophmore year at pbc and doing tons of credits , I am still trying to process a lot and let a lot things go. One of the bigger things is my grampa dying in june. it wasnt super sudden but still that didnt make it any easier. i went back to yakima (where my grampa and now grama lives)for the first time since his funeral and it was seriously weird. itll be harder around holidays but thats always the worst time isnt it? The thing for me now is dealing with him not being there. The holidays were so different and weird.
and now my great aunt passed away this last winter. thats the major things thats shown me that im getting older. losing my relatives to old age.
and im sl doing over 20 credits a semester so most of my time if spent working on home work and ive never had to be so dedicated to something before in my life. but it was my decision to do so much because i want to get my associates by may. i know looking back im going to be so proud of myself for getting it all done.
i just have this sense of longing for something and i miss something so much but i still dont know exactly what it is...im scared about growing up and having responsibility.
im excited to get my 2 year done but im scared im going to cave under all the stress and pressure of having so much work to do and get done..maybe those are the same things..i dont know...this year is going to be very interesting and hard and stressful and fun and stretching and well....I guess ill have to wait and see what else life has in store for me

Sept 11th memories

Sept 11, 2001
Half asleep woken up by my mom saying something about the tradecenter. I get up and walk down stairs trying to figure out what my mom was talking about. I look at the tv and all i see is smoke. Confused I kept watching. I saw the most horrifying footage of planes flying into buildings and then the buildings collapsing. Then all of a sudden I remember my dad, who was flying that day. I ask my mom where he was or if she had heard from him. She said that she hadnt heard from him but she was sure that he was ok because his flight was going through utah ( he was flying to guatemala or someplace international like that). So all we really could do was watch and wait. He finally called saying that he was in utah. They grounded the plane there and there were no flights going out for the next couple days. Eventually he took a bus to boise idaho where my brother picked him up.
Sept 12, 2001
I woke up thinking that things were going to be just a little bit better. But I woke up to silence. Everytime Ive woken up to silence in the past its been because of something bad. I walked to the stairs and my mom walked out of my parents bedroom. She had just gotten off the phone and i could tell that she had been crying. I didnt say anything, i just looked at her. She told me that we knew someone who died yesterday. I thought in my mind that maybe it was someone who we knew as an aquantaince or a pastor friend or something. But no. It was eric. Eric Hartono was a guy who came from Indonesia to america to go to school. We have been friends with the hartono family for a long time. Two of his sisters had live with us before he did. He lived with us when he went to highschool at City Christian and then he moved to boston to go to school. He was in LA visiting his girlfriend and he was going back to boston. He was on the 2nd plane the world trade center.
It was and still is really hard for me to deal with. He was like my brother. Death is something that we try to block out of our minds because its too hard to deal with. And i would have never imagined that one of my close friends would have died that way.
But my reassurance is that he was a believer. He had such a love for Christ, it was infectious. His parents were really wealthy but you wouldnt have realized it being around eric. He never boasted about what he had or how wealthy he was. He was so giving and generous. He left an impression on my heart thats going to be there forever.

Theres definately more!!!!

today i started reading revolution in world missions..Ive only read 2 chapters but i can already tell you that its amazing!!!!!So far ive read stories about missionaries and then going out to the unchurched villages and towns in asia....Ive always had a love for travel but the more i read, the more the passion i had for missions grew. One of my dreams is to travel everywhere and preach and play worships songs and songs that ive written. but the one thing that i think is different about it is that i want to go to the unchurched masses. I want to go to the smallest tribes in africa and the little villages in asia and the coldest town is antartica.and thats when it hit me.....being a christian isnt just reading youre bible and spending your alone time with the Father, thats an essential. and up until now thats what my christian walk has been about. but then i realized THERES MORE!!!!!Of course we need to rekindle the fire in christians today but we need to get the word of God to the people that have never heard it. And I want to be one of those people. If we dont get to the unreached, who will. The thing thats so crazy to me is that there are people out there who have never even heard of God. They will live for nothing and die for nothing. I cant let that happen.Our purpose as christians is to get the gospel heard. If we are just sitting around we arent doing our job. You and I need to realize that there are people so alone and so empty that are searching for more, and maybe you are the one to help them. Maybe I'm the one to help. Who knows.....

More than ever i need my jesus

Today it hit me.
i have been so unhappy the past few days and i did not understand really why.
But then like a ton of bricks it all fell right on top of me. Ive been separated from the presence of God. I separated myself from it. There were times when i ignored it, didnt see it and even flat out refused it.Why did i do that? I have no clue.
Ive been living in sin and giving into the lies and temptation on the enemy. I havent spent time with Jesus in weeks. Im starting to get into fights with my parents again. and the thing that made me realize that i needed to change is because i could feel myself putting up that wall. The wall that separated me from everyone that wanted to help. The wall that shut everything and everyone good out. Most of all God. That wall was torn down a few months ago but i felt it starting to be built back up. And that freaked me out. So i called my amazing prayer warrior of a friend Kaeli and told her what was up. She prayed for me and reassured me that everything would be ok. "just press into God." thats what she said. But sometimes life seems so much more appealing to me. Going out with friends, watching tv, doing stuff on the computer. life is so distracting sometimes.
So now im here,having to rebuild alot of things in my life. Addicted to things that i have to get rid of. Some more serious than others,
I remember back a few months ago, i was so close to jesus and could sense the presence of God all around me. I remember thinking to myself how could i have lived without this for so long. I finally found what i should have been living for all my life. but then i lost it. it was nobodys faul but my own. I did it, and i admit to it. And im willing to do anything i have to do to get back there.
I need him more than anything.
Take me back to the place where i first met you.

Pastor Donna

My life is FULL of amazing, encouraging, loving people....and i thought it would be cool to write some different blogs about them.....mostly people who have played a significant role...or just someone who, in my opinion, is pretty much really cool=).Some of them might be really short (im mean the blog.lol...or really long...like this one. so i thought i would start with Donna

Besides my mom, I have more respect and love for this woman than anyone alive. If it wasnt for her, i would either be dead or really, really, really lost and messed up. People tell me all the time how blessed i am for having a mentor like Donna. but the thing is neither of us started our friendship. I didnt say "i want her as a mentor" and she didnt say "i want to mentor her". God did. God chose donna to be a part of my life and the same for her. I'll start at the beginning.
Still to this day, i do not remember the first time i met donna. But she says that one day after church when i was like 4 or 5, i just went up and sat on her lap. See, my randomness began at an early age =)
And ya. I was in her wedding when i was 7. Always known her. There was never time when she wasnt a part of my life. I remember her telling me she was pregnant with Kalei, i remember when Kalei was born, and the fact that shes 7 (the same age i was when i was in Donna and Dougs wedding) makes me feel REALLY old....lol...
But she really didnt start helping me until i was jr high/highschool age. Shes being meeting with me ever since i started jr high. and its not just cuz shes my youth pastor. She is so much more than that. Shes my spiritual mom. And its not just cuz of her choice. Shes told me that God told her to not let go of me. and believe me, there have been MANY, many times when she could have said "ok, i cant do this anymore, i cant help you, im fed up, go find someone else to help you deal with your problems, cuz im done with you."but she never did. Not once. Of course theres been times when shes been frustrated and disappointed, but thats only natural.
And the thing is, its not just church and its not just meetings. Thats not the only time she lets me be apart of her life. I have the privilege of going over to her house, babysitting her kids, just being around her and spending time with her. and people tell me all the time how blessed i am and all of the "do you know how many girls would love to even spend 5 minutes with her?". Some of my own friends have told me how much they would love to have donna as a mentor. And i understand all of that. Believe me i do. But like i said, i didnt choose this. I didnt choose her, God did. God placed her in my life at an early age cuz he knew that i would need her throughout my entire life.
If i am even half the woman she is when i grow up, i will be a very very blessed person. Sitting in worship services that she leads or my favorite, listening to her preach at gen unleashed.. I love it soooo much. Seeing how passionate she is and how pure her praise to God is. Theres no one like her. No One. I see why so many girls want her as a mentor. Shes amazing. I respect her and would do anything for her. I trust her and have faith in her, because she trusts God.
And theres sooo much more that i could say, but i guess the only thing left that i can really express in words, is that im thankful.

Chiwawas are so amazingly awesome!!!

especially the little 4lb one sitting on my lap....hehe...shes teeny tiny, her name is gigli and she has no teeth on the left side of her mouth so her tongue sticks out of that side....shes a cutie!!!
im here in singapore with my dad...at the moment i am at the house we're staying at. My dad is at a prayer meeting and i stayed here....im still kinda getting over the time change and im not feeling 100% so im here resting.
i've only been here for about 3 days but its been a total blast!!!we went shopping yesterday and i got some cool stuff. my dad told me that the shopping would be cool but i had no idea that it would be so extravegant and that there would be so many shops...seriously there are malls everywhere!!!!its my kind place...haha... today we went to a theme park type place.its kinda hard to explain.its not like disney land or any place like that. there are no rides. but theres a luge ride and a cable car and water type attractions...so we were there for the beginning of the day. Since it gets so crazy hot here (im talking like 95ish with humidity) we went to the mall around 2ish to get some more shopping in. I found some more cool stuff.i got a really cool necklace thats like kinda chinese-ish(more ancient looking) and and cool purse.
im not really sure what we're going to be doing tomorrow but i know that theres church tomorrow night. on monday morning we are going to malaysia for a family camp which should be pretty fun. Its a really good experience being here.seeing all the different cultures and all.
and the house we're staying at has 14 dogs!!!how cool is that!!
God has been so good to me!!!!

Watching the food network makes me hungry

ITS TRUE!!!!
Right now im watching someone make vanilla waffer ice cream cookies...mmmmmm....cookies.....
lol......someday ill actually branch out and actually get off the couch and try to make what i see on tv...ill invite ya'll over!!!we could make a little party out of it..
anyway, i wanted to let everyone know that im going to singapore and malaysia on monday with my dad for 10 or 11 days. Im excited/nervous/not knowing what to expect. I want to travel all around the world but i always thought that part of the world would be last....dont misunderstand, IM NOT COMPLAINING!!!but i dont really know anything about where im going.....i have more of a heart to go to europe and australia and new zealand and places like that..but i know it will be a really fun and eye opening experience!
Please keep me in your prayers while im gone!!